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My Resu- Mockery

September 1, 2012

Last Friday I was asked to bring my resume to a meeting. I haven't looked at in a while and it got me thinking... who is this person? Walking to the bathroom at the movie theater I birthed the idea of a resu-mockery. A resume that mocks resumes and mocks me, but gives a better sense of who I am.


Danielle Nicole Goates
1526 Continual Mess Katy, Texas 77450
(281) 785-4655 danielle.goates@gmail.com
Objective:  
I hope to convince myself that I can fix my hair without rewetting it and that the bun on top of my head looks good (even better when I add a headband)
Education:
Pinterest
Master’s of pinning outrageous unattainable home d├ęcor                         July 2011- Present
West Texas Mother
Bachelor of Science in “Sale” Shopping and homemade rolls                  April 1985-Present

Certifications:
Obtuse Comparison Making                                                                                         1995- Present
Wife of Musician                                                                                                 April 2010- Present
  
Skills:
  • Experience in finding the public toilet that just got destroyed
  • Experience in losing my keys, and/or locking in them in the house or car
  • Knowledge in going to bed with wet hair and waking up with a mullet
  • Extensive knowledge in sitcoms: Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Parenthood, Etc.  
  • Expertise in buying old crap treasures for no purpose
  • Experience in drinking coffee at all times of the day
Work History:
Dog Owner                                                   Lubbock, Austin, Ft.Worth, Houston, Texas
Title: Lola’s B****                                                                                          08/2005-present
·       Observed excessive hunger, bow-legged-ness, female dog balls
·       Collaborated with husband in letting weenie dog sleep in our bed
·       Provided daily dachshund ear flipping back to factory settings
·       Consulted with dog beds and backyard for missing socks
·       Overcame laziness by teaching dog to run itself by catching frisbees

Knower, Dater and Marrier of Musicians                                                                                                    
Title: Dealer of shannangins                                                                             08/1998-Present
·       Made excuses for consistent flakeyness
·       Listened to talented people with excessive displays of feelings
·       Conversed with others and watched TV successfully during jam sessions
·       Regularly gave the “its time to stop” look
·       Participated inconsistently

Being Me
Title: Dealer of my own shannagins                                     Oklahoma, Texas, Illinois, Colorado
·       Gradual hater of meats                                                                                        04/1985- Present
·       Not sleeping due to ideas like resumockeries                                                   
·       Avoid large groups of new people
·       Constant struggle between art, serving the community and making money
·       Lover of animals more than people/ inherent need to put my face on their faces (dogs, horses, not cats)
·       Lover of vegetables and the idea of a garden
·       Inability to see shades of green
·       Lover of travel and beautiful pictures
·       Slow to respond to emails and texts
·       Inability to sleep in
·       Appreciation for well thought out design… and pinot grigio

 

References:
Darenda (mother), Danay (sister) Sophee and Courtney (Like sisters), Danielle R. Kendal & Laurel (Close Friends) Rob (Husband) Lola and Sam (Dogs) Mondays (on this blog)

 




8 comments:

  1. hahahahahhah oh my gosh Danielle.

    I would hire you but you spelled shenanigans wrong... twice... and differently wrong twice. hahahha so -- you're fired.

    LYLAS

    ReplyDelete
  2. LYLAS. Haven't seen that in years.
    This was so dang funny...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't know... I think maybe you are underestimating some skills here. Not everyone can wake up with a mullet. I feel somewhere, somehow this must be a valuable ability.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Who wouldn't hire you?? I mean obviously you are over qualified for piratically EVERY job.
    What about "identifying people as animals"?? You are very skilled in this area. OR better yet, naming animals after famous people. Sam = Ray Charles? Lola = Ryan Gosling? I like this talent very much.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kendall--I thought about that same skilled area of hers and then just figured it could be grouped in the "Obtuse Comparisons" category. Funny girl!

    ReplyDelete
  6. As a recruiter and constant viewer of resumes, I find your resume would be a lot more helpful and truthful than the meaningless BS that I read most of the time... Everyone should have to make one and put it on LinkedIn! :) We would all be doing ourselves and corporate America a favor.

    ReplyDelete
  7. you finally finding the musician who wasnt flakey = marriage. your welcome. LYLAH

    ReplyDelete

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