May Was Hard

June 9, 2018

The first time I got pregnant I miscarried. We went to the doctor and saw a baby with a heartbeat... and the next time we didn't. I was devastated. I couldn't handle it at all really and mostly just fell apart.

Not long after the miscarriage, Orville Rogers came to speak at our church.  He was a 95 year old "Running Man." He trained bomber pilots in WWII, flew secret missions in the Korean War, and now runs (and wins) marathons. He did a "get to know me" video before he spoke and with all the stories he had to tell he told this one. Him and his wife got married and became pregnant with their first child. She came down with pneumonia and they ended up losing the baby. He cried through his words sixty plus years later. I needed to see that. That it never stops being sad. Its not something you have to "get over." Its a hole in your heart that you learn to live with.

I told this story to a friend at the park who had also lost babies and we both held back tears behind our sunglasses. She agreed. It's just sad.

Then I had two healthy babies ... who are currently laughing and making a mess of their oatmeal. We thought we would try for one more and I was quickly pregnant again. I kept thinking something was off, I didn't feel pregnant enough. This time we went to see everything but a baby. An empty sac.  I will say it was better to see nothing at all then a baby with no heartbeat, but it was... is ... still devastating, nonetheless.

I bought a ring to add to my living babies' rings that I wear on my right hand. One for Nora, one for Perry, one for the first baby, and for what might have been. I needed something to remember that I have another child I will meet one day ... and I needed something to remember that I hoped.

Hope not materialized is not hope wasted. 

All we can do in each pregnancy is hope because how else do we love that life that might be?

I think its important to tell people about miscarriages. Every time I tell someone I heal a little bit more. Maybe they heal too, because more times than not I hear, "me too."

A life lost is not a secret. 
Love indeed hopes all things. 

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